Brotherhood Exorcism
by Red Witch
Summary: Is Lance really leaving the Brotherhood to join the XMen? Not if the gang has anything to say about it!


**Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men Evolution. This inspired me when I saw the promos for "Joyride" and I saw…brace yourselves: Lance in an X-Man uniform. I'm serious. I know what I saw. Oh no….What could cause Lance to lose his mind? Oh yeah…**

**Brotherhood Exorcism**

"Oh wonderful," Pietro said. "Cold cereal for dinner. Again. Whoopee!"

"Well excuse me," Todd snapped. "But the pickings have been pretty slim this time of year! Blame it on the recession!"

"Hey what happened to the heat?" Tabitha asked.

"Shut off," Pietro told her. "Big surprise. Okay Lance…Lance!" He clapped his hands to jar Lance out of his trance. "Hell-o. Lance! Could you contact planet earth please? We need your help!"

"Huh," Lance stopped aimlessly stirring his spoon in the cereal.

"Yes fearless leader, so glad we can have a minute of your time," Pietro mocked. "Now what are we gonna do about our cash flow problem? Pickpocketing and Tabby's little firecrackers in the video games are not going to cut it anymore!"

"Yeah come on man what's the plan?" Todd asked. 

"Maybe…" Lance took a breath. "Maybe we should join the X-Men."

One could have heard a pin drop in the room as the rest of the Brotherhood glared at him. "Are. You," Todd said slowly. "Out. Of YOUR MIND?"

"I for one am shocked!" Fred stammered. "Shocked!"

"Whoa…" Tabitha stared.

"That's it," Pietro snapped. "You've lost it. You're gone. You're insane!"

"Well maybe he's joking!" Fred defended. "Come on Lance. Tell them it's a joke. Come on. I mean, please! You…us…wearing X-Geek uniforms! It's funny! Ha! Ha! Okay, joke's over!"

"I'm serious," Lance cast his eyes to the floor. 

"I knew…" Pietro fumed. "I knew that this little infatuation of yours would cause trouble, but I had no idea it would destroy your mind! What there is of it!"

"Look we have no money, no food, no water again, no heat and winter is coming up!" Lance said. "Mystique and Magneto dumped us. What are we supposed to do?"

"What we always do Lance, steal and rag on the X-Geeks!" Pietro snapped. 

"Maybe that's…wrong," Lance said. "It's not enough."

"Well that's it," Todd sniffed. "I have no heroes anymore."

"Well I hope you're happy," Fred told Lance. "I hope you're happy. Look. Look at Toad. Look at him. Look at that broken hearted little froggy face of his. Look."

Todd's eyes were big and he looked like he was about to cry. "Yeah take a good look Lance," Pietro said. "You just yanked his little heart out and stomped on it before throwing it in the trash. Way to go big man! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"Look you guys don't understand!" Lance defended himself. "You think this was easy for me? I didn't say I would for sure yet I said maybe!"

"What do you mean you for sure?" Todd asked. "You thinkin' off splitting on your own?" 

"No! NO!" Lance shook his head. "I thought long and hard about this. It might be the best thing for all of us."

"Oh you were thinking alright," Todd snapped angry now. "But not with your brain! You were thinking of dumping us too just so you could get closer to your little Kitty cat! Admit it!" 

"Lance wouldn't do that!" Fred said shocked. "Tell them! Not after all we've been through!"

"Freddy, guys I can explain," Lance stammered. 

"Oh man it is true!" Pietro slapped his head.

"Lance I don't know you anymore!" Fred bawled as he ran out of the room. 

"Well thank you Lance for another fun evening," Todd snapped. "I just wanna tell you something. I may not be the brightest guy around here, or the cleanest, or the strongest, or…well you get the picture. But I have one thing you don't have Lancy-boy! My dignity! I'd rather die than be an X-Geek! Better to starve free than stuff yourself with a collar around your neck! I'd never ditch my friends for a little ditz like Kitty! I'm true to myself! That's me Lance! Mr. Dignity! Good Evening!" 

With that Todd turned around and tripped over his shoelaces. Todd picked himself up and hopped out of the room. 

"Well Lance I thought we were friends," Pietro said. "But I guess I was wrong."

"Pietro," Lance sighed. "Wait!"

"I can't believe you of all people would try to ditch us!" Pietro snapped. "For Kitty! Fine, you don't wanna be one of us. Go ahead. There's the door! I'm not gonna stop you! Personally I give it a week before you get kicked out!"

"Pietro listen," Lance pleaded. "You guys can come too! I didn't say that right. I mean **if **I decided to join them I'd take you with me."

"My it sure is quiet in here," Pietro turned around. "I thought I heard something, but I guess it's just the wind. I hear nobody!"

"Fine if that's the way you're gonna behave then who needs you!" Lance shouted. "I'm going for a walk!"

"Keep walking!" Pietro shouted.

Lance slammed the door on his way out. Pietro zoomed outside to the back yard. Tabitha sat there.

"And once again I get stuck with the dishes," She grumbled. 

"Freddy, come on," Todd said. "It's gonna be okay."

"No it's not okay its not!" Fred lay facedown on the bed sobbing. 

"Look we don't need that jerk," Todd patted Fred on the back soothingly. "It's okay. It's okay. You still got me. You'll always have me and Pietro and maybe Tabby."

At this Fred bawled even louder. Todd handed him a tissue. "Let me rephrase that…"

Fred loudly blew his nose. "I don't want Lance to go. And I'm certainly not gonna join those X-Jerks! Why Lance wants to hang around those losers I'll never understand! We always hung out together and did stuff and now….Wahhhhhh!"

"Yeah well, I don't think Lance got it into his rock filled head to join the X-Geeks on his own! I got the feeling somebody implanted that thought into his brain!" Todd snapped. "If you get my drift!"

"Hey," Fred sat up. "You got a point there. You think that Xavier guy would really…?"

"I wouldn't put it past him!" Todd snapped. 

"We gotta do something!" Fred yelped. "We gotta save him."

"How?" Todd asked. 

"I dunno! I dunno!" Fred got off the bed and paced back and forth. "Oh man Lance is the one who comes up with the plans. Him or…"

"Pietro!" They both shouted at the same time.

"He might be next!" Todd shouted.

"Oh no he won't!" Fred shouted. "We gotta find him before it's too late!"

"Speedy come on," Tabitha said. "Get down from that tree."

"Give me one good reason too!" Pietro snapped.

"Well climbing trees is what Kitty does," Tabitha told him.

"That's a good reason!" Pietro hopped down. 

"Pietro!" Todd and Fred cried out his name as they raced into the backyard. "Pietro!"

"What?" Pietro asked annoyed.

Fred grabbed him by the shoulders. "He didn't get you too? Did he? Tell me you're still one of us! Please tell me!" He shook him wildly. "Tell me Baldy didn't get to you too? Tell me? Are you with us Pietro?"

"Freddy knock it off man!" Pietro yelped. "Of course he didn't get me! I'd never join the X-Geeks!"

"Oh thank God!" Fred gave Pietro a big bear hug. "We're not too late!" 

"AKKKK!" Pietro gasped. "Freddy you're killing me!"

"Aww! Pietro! Pietro! Pietro!" Freddy hugged him tightly swinging him around like a rag doll.

"Need…air…" Pietro was starting to turn blue. "I…can…taste…my spleen!"

"Oops!" Fred let go. "Sorry about that!"

"Maybe Xavier didn't have to work that hard to brainwash Lance!" Pietro gasped. "Not that he had a brain left after Kitty got through with him!"

"Oh please, Xavier didn't put that idea in his mind," Tabitha rolled her eyes. "If he did he would have done it to all of us long ago at the same time! It's Kitty who's to blame!"

"Yes!" Todd smashed his fist into the palm of his hand. "She's the evil one! We have to stop her!"

"Yeah we can't let those X-Geeks get away with this!" Fred said. "We gotta do something!"

"Hey Tabby how about you…" Pietro started to suggest.

"Forget it," Tabitha shook her head. "My feminine wiles won't work boys. Besides, it will be easier for me to snag him on the rebound. If I'm still interested. I haven't decided yet."

"Oh wonderful," Todd groaned. "Some help you are! Now what?"

"There's only one thing to do," Pietro said. "Guys, get the duct tape!"

A few hours later, Lance returned home. He had a lot to think about. He decided to go back. He found the others waiting for him when he returned.

"Lance wait," Pietro held up his hands. "We want to talk about …joining the X-Men. Well, maybe you have a point."

"I do?" Lance was surprised. 

"Yeah we kinda overreacted y'know," Todd fidgeted. "I mean if you wanna hook up with Kitty that's your business yo."

"Yeah we're your friends man," Fred said. "We should help you."

"Lance," Pietro put his hand on his shoulder. "Sorry man."

"Yeah well, maybe it wasn't totally out of line," Lance sighed. "I mean we've been fighting them forever. Maybe you guys weren't so out of line for acting that way."

"Oh we're not sorry for that," Pietro said. "We're sorry for this. GRAB HIM!"

"Hey!" Lance shouted as the boys pounced on him with rope and duct tape. "What are you doing?"

"This is for your own good Lance!" Pietro snapped as they tied him up. "Take him upstairs!" 

"Let me go!" Lance screamed as they carried him upstairs and tied him to his bed. "What are you maniacs doing? Let go of me! I'm warning you! HELP!" 

"Yell all you like Lance those X-Geeks aren't gonna get you without a fight!" Todd shouted.

Fred agreed. "Lance if this is what it takes to get though to you so be it!" 

"Let the exorcism begin!" Pietro quick changed into his clerical outfit.

"Oh for crying out loud," Lance rolled his eyes. 

"Listen to me!" Pietro chanted. "Begone Evil Xavier influence! Begone Evil Kitty influence! By the power of this book I command you!" Pietro held a book high in his hands over his head.

"Pietro, that's an algebra book," Lance snapped.

"I know. It's just the right weight," Pietro replied before smacking Lance on the head with it. 

"Ow!" Lance shouted. "Pietro! Quit it! Ow! Ow! Ow! Knock it off!"

"Fine. I won't use the book anymore," Pietro said. "I'll just do this!"

He slapped Lance several times using his super speed. "Pietro! Stop it!"

"No." He slapped him several times more before he stopped. "Now are you going to give up this stupid idea of moving in with the X-Jerks just to be with Kitty?"

"No!" Lance replied hotly.

"Wrong answer!" Pietro sang out and slapped him several times again. Then he stopped. "Fellow members of the Brotherhood we are here tonight to ward off the evil infection of X-Dorkitis! The evil is strong! But we are stronger!" 

"Lance Alvers you are not an X-Geek!" Fred shouted. "You are one of the Brotherhood! But you are charged with two counts of behavior unbecoming a Brotherhood member. One, mooning over an X-Geek. Two, thinking about becoming an X-Geek. Three, conspiring with the enemy, the X-Geeks. Okay three counts. Well four counts: Four conspiring to brainwash other Brotherhood members. Well now that I think about it its really five counts…"

"Thank you Brother Blob," Todd interrupted. "Lance, do you renounce your ridiculous idea of joining the X-Men?"

"It was not ridiculous!" Lance said hotly. "OW! Pietro quit slapping me!" 

"Okay we better move along to phase two," Pietro said. "Light the candles and darken the room!"

"Now what are you idiots going to do to me?" Lance groaned. 

"Reject the X-Geeks! The power of the Brotherhood compels you!" They chanted. "The power of the Brotherhood compels you! The power of the Brotherhood compels you!"

"Oh give me a break!" Lance snarled. "Let me up or else I'll bring down the house!" 

"Uh uh Lancie," Tabitha said. "You do that and you'll take yourself down too!"

"Okay the chanting stuff isn't working," Todd said. "Let's move to phase three."

"Good idea," Pietro agreed. He shone a lamp on him. "Okay Lance, listen to us. Nobody here wants to hurt you. We're here to help you. We're your friends. So quit acting like a moron!"

"If I say I won't join the X-Geeks will you let me up?" Lance asked.

"Yes." Pietro said.

"Well then I won't join the X-Geeks. I promise. Really. No more talk of me doing that. No sirree bob, I am a changed mutant."

"Do you promise?" Todd asked.

"Yes," Lance said.

"Cross your heart and hope to die?" Fred asked.

"Absolutely," Lance said. 

"Stick a finger in your eye?" Tabitha asked.

"You got it!" 

"Sit with me and eat a fly?" Todd asked.

"I said yes all right!" Lance replied testily. "Now let me up!"

"Should we?" Fred asked.

"I dunno Freddy," Todd stroked his chin. "He could be faking. He broke way too easy."

"I'm not faking," Lance put on an innocent face. "I've learned my lesson. I'll be good."

"No more talk of the X-Geeks?" Pietro asked.

"Nope," Lance shook his head.

"No more of mooning over Kitty?" Tabitha asked.

"Kitty who?" Lance asked innocently. 

"Do you solemnly swear that from now until the end of time that you will always be a Brotherhood member?" Pietro asked.

"Yup," Lance nodded eagerly. 

"And what do Brotherhood members do to X-Geeks?" Todd asked.

"They kick their butts," Lance replied sincerely. "Now please let me up? I won't leave. I promise? Pretty please with sprinkles and sugar on top? Hey how about we all go trash the X-Geeks mansion again huh? Won't that be fun? Yes? Come on! Let's go. I can hardly wait to go bash some X-Geeks!"

"Should we?" Tabitha asked.

"Hmmm…." The boys looked at each other. "NO!"

"Rats!" Lance hit his head backward. "I thought I had you guys!" 

"Well you didn't," Pietro slapped him again. 

"Stop slapping me!" Lance said.

"Fine I won't," Pietro said. "Toad…" Todd hit him on top of the head with a rolled up newspaper. 

"We're getting nowhere with this," Fred said.

"Let's go to phase five," Pietro said. 

"Five? What happened to four?" Lance asked. 

"It's too late for phase four," Pietro went to a strange looking machine. "Fire it up!" He turned it on. It made a humming sound. Pietro took out two paddles attached to it. 

"What is that?" Lance shouted looking at the strange device.

"It's one of those thingys they use to revive heart patients!" Todd said. "You'd be amazed at the stuff you can get on Ebay!"

"Think of this as shock treatment!" Pietro said. "CLEAR!"

"YEEEEEOOOWWW!" Lance screamed as Pietro tapped him with the electric paddles. 

"Oh I had it on a low setting so don't be a baby!" Pietro snapped. 

"**PIETRO I HAVE HALF A MIND TO GO JOIN THE X-MEN RIGHT NOW!" **Lance screamed.

"Well that's progress because half a mind is more than what you had to begin with!" Pietro snapped. "Toad, get the hamsters and sock puppets ready. Looks like we're gonna need them!"

"It's gonna be a long night!" Lance moaned. "OW!" 

****

Will Lance join the X-men to get closer to his beloved Kitty? Will the Brotherhood follow him? Or was it all some sick plot device like a dream sequence to torture us Brotherhood fans? All will be revealed on the "Joyride" episode. It better be. (Author goes in search for rabid tarantulas just in case!)


End file.
